


shape of love

by CassandrasDreamworld



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study, Creature Jaskier | Dandelion, First Kiss, Introspection, M/M, Monster Jaskier | Dandelion, kind of open ending, kind of. he's a creature so it's study on this specific Jaskier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29760423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassandrasDreamworld/pseuds/CassandrasDreamworld
Summary: Jaskier is a creature older than the world itself.He reflect back on how he becamehimself.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 16
Kudos: 92
Collections: The Witcher Quick Fic #7





	shape of love

Jaskier hasn’t always been Jaskier.

It is not a surprise of course, for he chose the name himself and his career with it as well. But no he hasn’t always been Jaskier, nor as he hasn’t always been  _ Julian Alfred Pankratz _ . 

Although, to be correct he has not been  _ Julian _ ever, both the name and title an elaborate lie he built up and carefully maintains.

Nudged along with just a tiny hint of his powers, he keeps the farce going easily enough with no one questioning him. And well, if they did? He could just make them forget.

But back to the matter at hand, he hasn’t always been Jaskier but he greatly preferred  _ being  _ Jaskier.

He doesn’t know if this language has a word for the thing that he is. It certainly has descriptors like monstrous, or inhuman, as well as approximations like demon or devil. They’re close certainly, but Jaskier-as-not-Jaskier is older than any of those terms and confident about being the only one of Them on this part of the planet. 

It’s unclear if the other side of it or other planets in this solar system have inhabitants like him but he knows that he is the only  _ here _ . If not he would have sensed them approaching from over half the Continent away.

Jaskier doesn’t fancy having another one of Them in  _ his _ territory as well. He doesn’t know how They have developed, if they are similar to him or if they are still like he was  _ before _ .

He doesn’t like thinking of what he has labelled as  _ before _ , what he has been in this before. Time is meaningless to him for the most part, he can choose to let the years pass by him in a flurry just as he can live every second to its fullest and immersed in  _ life _ . The only time that is truly important to him are the Before and the After.

Although if he is being honest with himself there are  _ two _ After moments. 

Nevertheless, he enjoys this time After immensely and  _ adores _ it even. While the time of Before has been a void of existing he never wants to get back to.

In the Before he truly was monstrous, uncaring, and indifferent. He did not know and did not feel emotions beyond hunger and a strange mixture of anger, hatred and possessiveness. 

He existed and he fed and he went from plane to plane, ate and went away, ate and went away. Until he came upon this curious little planet, drawn by the incredible raw power of what has later been dubbed as the  _ Conjunction of the Spheres _ .

The inhabitants on this planet were curious and varied, thrown together by time and space and finding their way in this world. Magic poured from every direction and there was so much of it that he did not need to seek it out himself or to change his location again.

For a while he just…  _ watched _ .

It was most particular how the inhabitants behaved, how the  _ humans _ behaved in this strange new environment they had been thrown in. And after a while of watching he felt his first emotion.  _ Curiosity _ .

He was startled- and then startled about  _ being _ and  _ feeling _ such a thing.

Having emotions, feeling emotions had been difficult to navigate at first. Sometimes they were near overwhelming, affecting even his body in ways he did not know could be. The first time he cried he was incredibly stunned, touching his inky black tears and watching how they rolled from his fingers. 

Decades passed as he just silently watched and observed taking the inhabitants in and the things that they were doing.

There was a lot of violence all the time, fights and war and blood and death. But there were also the good things, kindness and helpfulness and charity between them.

He liked those moments when he could observe them. A stranger helping a little one their way back to their parents. Comrades and Brothers in arms fighting together and for each other, taking care of each other. Lovers in all constellations caring for their partners and loving them in all the ways they knew how to.

It was beautiful to watch even if he did not know the feeling himself yet, but seeing the little moments suffused him with warmth and then lingered.

It took him a startlingly long time to realize that he could join them.

He manipulated himself and his shape before and did so often for whatever the reason he needed. It was fortunate that his true form matched most of the inhabitants in base form already so he did not need to change quite as much.

Although it proved a struggle for his disguise to be not only realistic but seamless as well, and matching his behaviour to those around him. Especially humans seemed to be incredibly perspective and suspicious, having chased him out of one or two tones as well before he managed to perfect his shape.

It took even longer for him to mimic and match how they behaved as well but once he succeeded it was like a whole new world had opened for him.

He traveled and learned until he exhausted the resources at place or the people where resided became suspicious of his never again. While he could have waved it away as elven heritage, elves were not as welcomed either and he really did not want any a fight so he left.

Learning brought forward some interesting things, some untrue things he knew better about- the sun did  _ not _ rotate around the earth. And some things he didn’t know about, most relating to this planet's ecosystem or how humans and other inhabitants worked. The most interesting and for him most fascinating aspect of humanity were the arts though.

Writing, poetry, music, painting and so much more.

He  _ adored _ those.

Inevitably he picked these up after a while, began painting, began writing, began doing  _ music _ . Music was wonderful and marvelous, often being able to even evoke emotions in himself and in the audience.

Sometimes he thought that magic was a branch of magic all of its own, surely something so beautiful had to be. But no music was just music and was also only as good as its musician bringing it to life.

Looking back at these moments later, he realized that while he didn’t have a word for it at that time but now he has it. These moments were the moments when he began to fall in  _ love _ with music.

He had tried learning every instrument that fell into his hands before realizing that he could use his own body as an instrument as well. The first time he sang was objectively bad, having had troubles in the past mimicking the exact parameters and range of the human voice without sliding into something alien. 

It took years and decades of practice and hard work for him to be able to get genuinely good at performing anything. From then one he traveled like this and went through the world as an artist. He changed his professions as often as his identities not willing to risk attention.

As much as his powers made him a perfect fighter and killer, and some would argue that his very nature dictated he’d be one, he did not like to fight. At least he did not like to  _ kill _ , fearing that killing would make him go back to the before, to the unfeelingness and heartlessness.

So he continued on like this, learning and studying for some years while traveling for others. Visiting different schools and establishments and courts and villages all over the Continent.

Which was what brought him to his  _ second _ after.

Meeting Geralt.

He knew about Witchers of course but he had avoided them, mostly out of sheer self preservation but he had something to him. Something that made Jaskier seek him out and try and talk to him.

When these piercing yellow eyes found his and narrowed he thought he’d been found out. But the Witcher just grunted and told him that the monsters he sang about didn’t exist. Jaskier did not want to contradict him in that they just weren’t monsters of  _ this world _ and give himself away.

He followed the Witcher right into a kidnapping and if he were an actual human this would have  _ hurt _ . The thing he was most put out about was that they destroyed his lute quite frankly, nearly so much that he forgot to act like a normal human might.

Geralt somehow managed to get them out and the King of the Elves even gave him his own lute. A truly magnificent work of art.

He thinks that Filavandrel might have suspected something off about him but if he did, he did not mention it.

At first Jaskier started traveling out of idle curiosity, the Witcher was  _ fascinating _ and the song he wrote about him blew up far larger than he had anticipated. He had fully intended to follow him for a few years at most and then to shrug off this identity as well and dive into a new one.

He had not expected to get attached and to start to genuinely like the Witcher.

Geralt tried everything to shake him off but to no avail and after a while seemed to even accept his presence. Not preoccupied with keeping up with him he had time to take the Witcher in and he was so  _ easy _ to admire.

The Witcher was kind above all else when one looked under his facade of cold-heartedness, kind and selfless. Rather giving starving elves his coins, not taking payments from the poorest who could not afford it, sharing his already morsel of a meal with children living in the streets. The list goes on and on.

Jaskier thought about playing the helpless bard while traveling with Geralt but dismissed it quickly. He felt like the Witcher would not appreciate it and while acting was a favorite of his, he somehow didn’t want to act around him and present Geralt only with a mask. Well, with one less than the obvious in place already.

The longer it went on the closer they grew and the more they trusted each other. It snuck up on Jaskier, this feeling, but after they had been traveling together for over five years Jaskier realized that he loved Geralt.

He hasn’t really  _ loved _ a person before, the feeling was utterly foreign to him and strange but wonderful at the same time.

Because he was a millennial old being and new when not to panic he excused himself from Geralt’s side for a few weeks under the guise of some responsibilities. Arriving at some uninhabited spot somewhere in the middle of nowhere he sat down and definitely  _ did not _ have a minor freak out.

While not panicking he also lost his shape due his emotional turmoil and needed quite a while to assemble it back again.

After he went back he pretended like nothing was amiss but even though he likes to tease Geralt about being oblivious he is anything  _ but _ . Geralt notices and Jaskier suspects he was not quite as back to normal like he had hoped to portray.

He let Jaskier have his room for a while before obviously getting fed up with him and nearly sitting on him so he would finally  _ talk _ about what was wrong. And oh the irony in that.

With nothing else to do he told Geralt. 

What he did not expect was for Geralt to grab his chin and lean down to  _ kiss _ him after his confession. He was so stunned he didn’t kiss back and just gapes at Geralt.

Geralt the absolute  _ asshole _ just gives a little tiny smile- and oh how Jaskier could melt seeing it- and said that it was time that he finally went with the program. 

After Jaskier unfroze he nearly bowled Geralt over for a second and definitely better kiss.

They kissed for a long while until they were out of breath- when a normal human would be out of breath, and flushed laughing quietly together.

Curled up together they went to sleep, content and happy.

Jaskier watched Geralt fall asleep and he knew the privilege he held with this show of trust. He slowly pushed a strand of Geralt’s hair behind his ear and admired how soft he looked in that moment.

For a while he just lay like this, watching Geralt and thinking. A cold shiver went down his spine when he thought about what Geralt would say should he find out. He doesn’t want to imagine it but he knows that he can’t keep this secret forever especially not if he wants a life with Geralt, and if he wants to keep his trust.

He hoped to be able to continue to be by Geralt’s side but for once he really couldn’t predict the Witchers reaction.

For now he just held on tight and took in his warmth and bundled the feeling of joy and love for Geralt up and held it close to his heart or whatever equivalent he had to it.

No one could take these feelings from him and he would treasure it for all of eternity.

Regardless of how it would end.


End file.
